


He Woke in the Faucet's Teeth

by LarkThePerson



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Flashbacks, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Nonbinary Character, Off-screen Rape, Panic Attacks, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Trauma, nonbinary Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-03-06 08:19:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13407213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LarkThePerson/pseuds/LarkThePerson
Summary: He’s pulling out a tricorder when he asks, “Is this what you wanted?” tone harsh.Bones is angry, furious really. He should have known better. Jim, it seems, will always do this. Bones is smart enough to know by now, that sleeping with strangers is Jim’s method of self-destruction, of destroying their relationship. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less each time it happens.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Unwed Henry by American Murder Song.
> 
> I may write more of this. Also, sorry for the unrelenting angst.
> 
> More detailed warning in the end notes.

He comes home smelling like alcohol and someone else’s cologne. That’s not the worst part. The worst part is, Bones isn’t very much surprised. He’s maybe surprised that it happened now, after all this time, but he’s not surprised that its happened.

He’s pulling out a tricorder when he asks, “Is this what you wanted?” tone harsh.

Bones is angry, furious really. He should have known better. Jim, it seems, will always do this. Bones is smart enough to know by now, that sleeping with strangers is Jim’s method of self-destruction, of destroying their relationship. That doesn’t mean it hurts any less each time it happens. 

Jim shakes his head, he’s not crying yet but he also won’t look at Bones.

They even have an agreement that Jim can sleep with other people. He only needs to clear it with Bones first. Suddenly, Bones is so angry he can’t speak. Jim knows how this relationship works but he clearly just doesn’t care, so why is Bones still here?

When he looks at Jim, the other man’s face is screwed up, his jaw clenched tight, looking at the floor. He looks up mouth open as if to say something before closing it and looking down again.

“I’m leaving.” Bones announces in the silence. He never even bothered scanning Jim. He just walks out of their living room and towards the bedroom to grab some clothes.

“I didn’t want it.” Jim says, so quiet Bones almost doesn’t hear him.

“Well, too fucking bad. This is what you get.” Bones says and he knows better than to punish Jim when he’s already been out punishing himself but he’s too angry.

“No, I- Bones, I didn’t want this. It. I didn’t-” 

Bones can hear Jim’s breathing pick up from the bedroom but he’s not really listening to what Jim is saying.

“I’m leaving,” he says again, to the living room where Jim is standing looking dazed, “I’ll be back.” He says because he’s pretty sure he’s not leaving Jim permanently.

He kisses Jim’s forehead and then walks out of the door. Jim doesn’t even react.

~~~~~~

The first thing Bones does when he’s out of the apartment is call Uhura. They’ve been through this a couple of times; Jim cheats and Bones needs to get away.

“Len, what on earth, why are you calling at 5 in the morning?” she sounds offended but completely awake so Bones guesses she wasn’t actually asleep.

“Jim cheated again.” He announces. No point in beating around the bush.

Uhura lets out a long, measured sigh, “Unbelievable.”

“Yeah, I haven’t slept all night. Can I come over and get some shut eye?”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll get the guest room ready.”

“Thanks, Nyota.”

~~~~~~

After Bones walks out, Jim just stands stock still in the middle of the room until his legs start to shake. He feels like he’s floating as he walks over to his bedroom, their bedroom. Maybe their bedroom. 

He falls more that sits on the bed and stays perfectly still for several long moments until he remembers that he’s supposed to tell someone when he gets like this. When he tries to pull the name into his mind it slips away like water. He gives up. Until he remembers that somewhere he has directions for who to call written down.

Luckily, the directions are actually in the bedside table.

It has directions for several different situations but he’s got enough mental presence to flip to the page that says dissociation. The first direction is to call Bones but that’s not allowed. Bones left. Under Bones’ name and number is a short list of other people to call. For a moment he panics at the prospect of choosing but then he just picks the first name with as little though as possible.

“Hey, Jim. What’s up? You’re up early.”

He has no idea what to say for a long moment and it must scare Gaila.

“Jim, what do you need?”

He has to look at the script in the handbook, which tells him to ask that person to come over.

“Can you come over?” his voice comes out uneven and strange as if he’s listen to himself from a great distance.

“Oh, honey, of course. This a social call or something else.”

“I- uh- Bones left me.” He says the words in such a strange dispassionate way that he’s not really sure what they mean.

“Oh hon, are you at the apartment?”

“Yeah.”

“Hang in there, I’ll be over soon.”

~~~~~~

“Do you want to talk about it?” Uhura asks when she opens the door for Bones.

“No, I do not. I want to get some fucking sleep.” He says roughly but not unkindly.

“Ok, ok. Well, head on back. I’ll be here all day. Spock will be coming over later, maybe Gaila too. You don’t have work today, do you?”

“No. Jim and I were supposed to do something nice together.” He says and his voice cracks.

“Oh Len, I’m so sorry.” 

She looks at him with her hands out a bit asking if he wants a hug. He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to be touched.

“Yeah, me too.” And he must sound just as exhausted as he feels.

~~~~~~

“You’re lucky I have a key to your place.” Gaila tells him as she steps into the room where Jim has been sitting stock still, waiting.

He’s got the communicator and the page on dissociation in his lap.

She notices the page immediately and turns it gingerly reading the ‘What To Do” section on the page.

“Oh, sweetie.” She sighs, as she reads it over though she doesn’t need to.

“Ok Jim, do you want to take a shower?” Gaila knows what she’s doing. She’s actually the reason that this booklet of Jim related crises exists. She’d once grabbed his wrist in foreplay and tried to move it above his head. He had, much to her surprise and horror, a panic attack and in her own panic she had called Bones asking him what the fuck to do. He’d talked Jim down and given Gaila directions on how to help. Afterwards, when Jim and Gaila were laying calmly on the bed still talking to Bones on the comm, Bones had jokingly said, “Damn kid, do I need to write a how-to guide for you?”

Gaila knew he was joking but she’d answered with a resounding yes. Thus, the booklet which Jim called ‘How to Jim’ and Bones just called ‘The Manual’ or sometimes ‘The Fucking Manual’ was born.

He shakes his head vehemently. 

“Ok, we’ll do something else. Can you take off your jacket?” she asks as she rummages in the closet for the one sweater that’s so soft Gaila thinks it must be magic. When she turns back around, Jim is still on the bed shivering slightly now that his jacket is off.

“That’s good, Jim. Put this on, ok?” she hands him the sweater. And he pulls it over his head slow and mechanical As soon as it’s on, he starts rubbing his thumb against one of the sleeves. Gaila smiles a little at the sight.

“Do you think you can eat something?” she asks him.

“Yeah.” He answers and his voice is rough.

“Ok, come on then.” She coaxes, as she walks towards the kitchen. In the kitchen, she turns to watch him slowly walk in behind her and she can see how strangely he’s walking now. It sends a shiver of anxiety through her.

Once he’s seated, she pours him a glass of water and gets out an orange. This is the well worn routine that everyone on the ship knows. If Captain Kirk seems a little bit hazy and it’s not from sleep deprivation, get him a glass of water and an orange.

She goes to hand him the orange, but he won’t take it.

“I can’t.” he tells her and she can already see more life in his eyes. And more panic.

“That’s ok. I can peel it for you.” She tells him. And she does. She sits close enough that he can smell the orange and maybe just barely feel the slight spay a she splits the skin and peels it away. He’s watching her hands carefully by now, tracking the movement as she peels the skin away and sets the pieces aside. When she’s done she hands the fruit to him and he eats it slowly. 

It’s takes him a long time to finished the orange and the glass of water. She tells him stories from engineering and of strange experiences on shore leave. His commentary is minimal. When he’s on his last piece of orange he takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders.

“I need to go to the hospital.” He tells her resolutely but does not look her in the eye.

“Shit, Jim. Wait- Why?” 

He doesn’t answer for a long moment but she can see his breathing pickup. Before he can come up with answer she cuts in.

“Ok. Ok. Let’s go then. Do you want me to call Leonard?” she asks as gently as she can. She knows from intimate and unfortunate experience that Jim hates going to anyone else for medical care.

“No. He’s real angry. He thinks I cheated on him. Stormed out.” He tells her and every word he says she can hear how much more distressed he’s becoming.

~~~~~~

They’re not far from Star Fleet Medical Headquarters, so that’s where go. Jim is initially resistant, but Gaila reminds him it doesn’t matter where they go, his records will be sent to Star Fleet anyway. When they arrive at the ER it’s calm, probably because it’s only 7 in the morning. There’s not even a line to sign in. The nurse behind the desk recognizes Jim and his look is immediately critical. 

“You get in another fight, Kirk? Though you gave that up when you became a captain.” He’s almost sneering.

Jim looks frighteningly blank looking at the nurse and then his lips twist in a strange way, “No, I’m here for a rape kit.”

Gaila feels her face drain of color and she knows that her expression of shock must match the nurse’s. Jim turns on his heel and takes a seat on a bench. He walks in a step Gaila’s come to think of as his command walk. It’s the way he walks on the ship to intimidate everyone out of his way in a crisis. She supposes this is a crisis.

He sits against the wall, back hunched just a bit as he fills out the form with more vehemence than necessary. 

“Jim-” Gaila starts when she sits beside him.

“Bones thought I’d cheated on him again.” He cuts her off. 

“Jim, I’m so sorry.” Gaila says.

“S’ok. Not like I though he trusted me or anything. Not like this hasn’t happened before. Not like I don’t fucking deserve it.” By the end of his speech he sounds like he’s on the verge of something terrible and Gaila can’t tell if he thinks he deserves to be brutalized or left by Bones.

“Did you tell him?” she asks, because she doesn’t know what else to say right now, she’s still reeling. 

“No. You saw how I was. Wasn’t even coherent. He wasn’t interested in waiting to hear me out.” His shoulders drop now and she can see how exhausted he looks.

“Tell me if you want me to call him, ok?” she tells him.

He just nods and makes a small pained noise; he hasn’t looked at her at all since she sat down. She offers her hand to him and he hesitates for a moment before gripping it tightly. 

~~~~~~

They don’t let go. He offers, when they do the full body exam, that she leave. In turn, she asks him if he wants her to go and he grips her hand tighter Later. when she offers him a hug, he takes deep shuddering breaths against her neck.

They ask him for DNA from his significant other, assuming it’s her, and he laughs. It’s a terrible noise, but tells the nurse doing the examination that he will call his significant other.

They have a moment together, the two of them alone, it’s almost and Jim looks beyond exhausted. He’s also panting for air looking frantically around the room and in some distant part of her mind Gaila is amazed that he still has the energy for a panic attack. 

“Jim, Jim, you can breathe, ok. You’re safe with me, I promise.” She reaches takes his free hand and lays it on her chest, “You feel how I’m breathing?” she pauses to allow him to feel the pattern, “Can you do that?”

It takes a few tries before he pulls in a full breath and several long moments after that he’s breathing normally again. 

“Can you call Bones for me?” he asks. His voice is small.

“Sure honey, how much do you want me to tell him?” she asks.

“Just tell him I’m in the hospital and he needs to be here.” Jim answers a little bit more confidently, “And could you call him out in the hall?” he asks.

“Yeah,” she pulls out her comm, “sit tight, ok.” She kisses his forehead before she walks out.

“’llo?” is what Bones answers the call with.

“Yeah, hi. It’s Gaila. I’m at Star Fleet Medical with Jim. You need to get over here.” She tells him knowing full well she’s being short with him. He deserves worse right now.

“What’d he do now?” Bones asked tone deeply disapproving and simultaneously exhausted.

“Just get your ass over here, McCoy.” She snaps.

When she turns back around, there’s a nurse standing outside Jim’s room looking conflicted. Gaila peeks back in and she sees Jim’s asleep on his back with his head at an awkward angle.

“He looks like he hasn’t slept all night and I don’t want to wake him up again.” The nurse tells her, sounding unsure for the first time that morning, instead of comforting and professional.

“He probably hasn’t. His boyfriend is coming over soon to give a DNA sample. Can you let him sleep until then?” Gaila asks.

“Sure. Who should we be looking for?” the nurse is putting on her professional mask.

“Leonard McCoy.” They all know Bones here, “Also he doesn’t know what happened yet. He just thinks Jim got into a fight or something. Could you let Jim and I tell him?” she asks just to be safe.

The nurse closes her eyes and suddenly looks much older than just the middle aged woman she must be.

“Sure. Take care of him?” she says as she leaves.

When Gaila settles in next to the bed and grips Jim’s hand, he stirs.

“Shhh, Jimmy go back to sleep. It’s ok. You’re safe you can sleep for now.” She whispers.

He’s reassured enough he actually falls back asleep.

~~~~~~

“What the hell Jim! No one will tell me what the fuck you’re here for?” Bones bursts into the room, startling Gaila and causing Jim to jump awake. Jim blinks at Bones for a long moment as his breathing picks up again. Bones stands in the doorway arms crossed face red. The nurse who’s been doing the rape kit is standing behind him looking apologetic.

“Well, is someone gonna tell me why I’m here?” he bursts out.

“You’re here to give a DNA sample so that your DNA doesn’t get confused with-” he can’t seem to speak and Gaila squeezes his hand “so it doesn’t get confused with the other DNA samples in my-” he has to catch his breath, “my rape kit.” Jim is looking at a poster beside the door as he says it but Gaila is watching Bones and she sees his face pale. For a moment, no one breathes and then Bones turns on his heel and marches out of the room.

“McCoy!” Gaila runs after him, leaving Jim with the kindly nurse.

“McCoy!” she calls again, as she sees him hurry into a bathroom. She pushes in after him. 

“McCoy.” She says but the only answer she gets is the sound of retching from inside a stall.

She sighs. This is another well known fact aboard the Enterprise. Bones, despite being a highly skilled doctor and being level headed and calm in almost every crisis, pukes when he’s stressed. Everyone has heard about it at least once. Kirk has been almost dead on the table and Bones will be completely calm and diligent until he can step away, at which point he immediately goes to throw up.

After, Bones comes back out to splash water on his face and rinse his mouth. Only then does Gaila begin to accost him.

“Listen to me, ok? Jim is out there alone in a hospital room and he thinks you hate him. He thinks he deserves all this and that you hate him. So, get back in there right now and comfort him before it’s too late, you prick.” She hisses.

“Yes, ma’am.” He answers as he hurries back out. She would be angry at him for calling her ma’am but she genuinely thinks that he wasn’t paying attention.

~~~~~~

When Bones gets back to the room, he actually bothers to knock this time.

Jim is sitting up legs crossed under the sheets on the bed. He’s fidgeting with the thin scratchy blanket in his lap.

“Jim,” Bones calls and Jim doesn’t look up.

“Jim,” he walks farther into the room, “c’mon darlin’ look at me.”

Jim just shakes his head.

“Ok, then I guess I’ll have to apologize like this. Can I sit here?” Bones pats the end of the bed and Jim nods.

“Jim, I’m so sorry. I should’a stayed and actually talked to you and not just stormed out like that. I was angry. I thought the worst of you. I shouldn’t have. I’m so sorry, Jimmy,” he has tears in his eyes when he finishes.

For a moment, Jim doesn’t look up but then he puts his arms out and looks up at Bones with a dazed look. 

“Oh, Jimmy,” he says and moves in for a hug. Its awkward, Bones is standing beside the bed and Jim is twisted to the side to hug him. Jim just shoves his face into Bones’ chest and Bones rubs his back. It takes a minute or two but Jim’s minute shivers turn into sobs.

“Oh, darling,” Bones breathes out and nods at the nurse over Jim’s head as she edges towards the door. Meera is her name. Nurse Layns. He’s worked with her on patients who needed emergency medical care first and a rape kit afterwards.

He begins to rock Jim from side to side and when Jim calms down a bit, he pulls back to fit Jim more comfortably into his arms.

“What do they still need to do?” Bones asks.

“Already did the physical and the interview. Gotta take your DNA, some more history, and they gotta take photos. I donno if they gave me hypos yet but I probably need more.” He tells Bones.

“Ok, you want the nurse to come back and get started again?” he asks gently.

“Yeah, I wanna be outta here.” Jim says directly into his chest.

For a moment they stay there, before Bones pulls back and nods at Gaila to come back in. Nurse Layns follows in behind her.

“You ready to get started again, Jim?” she asks standing at the end of the bed. Gaila comes over to hold Jim’s hand and he nods.

Jim bears the rest of the exam and stay in the hospital quietly. Nurse Laynes tells him that she’s very impressed at how calm he is to which he answers “I’ve done it before.” 

Everyone is quiet after that. Nurse Laynes looks murderous.

It’s around 11 when nurse Laynes comes with the release forms and some final hypos. Everyone breathes and sigh of relief.

~~~~~~

Gaila tells the two of them that she can go home, if they want. Jim tells her she doesn’t have to and Bones tells her that Jim won’t ever say it but he doesn’t want her to go.

Their little bubble of tentative calm is broken when, on the tram back to Jim and Bones’ apartment, Uhura calls. Bones answers shooting Jim an apologetic look who’s mostly asleep between Bones and Gaila. 

“Hello.”

“Len, what the hell? You storm off this morning to see Kirk and you never come back and you never call. Don’t tell me you’ve made up that quickly.” Her tone is sharp and cutting and Bones is sure that Jim can hear her through the comm.

“Nyota, can we please not talk about this now. Something was seriously wrong and this whole thing has been a big misunderstanding.” Bones tells her sternly. 

“I can’t believe you.” She huffs and hangs up.

~~~~~~

Three of them sleep the afternoon away. Bones and Jim share their bed but barely touch. Jim sleeps jammed into the wall. Bones needs the least sleep out of all of them so eventually he gets up and makes Jim and Gaila food. He wakes them up after a couple of hours and they all eat together. 

After, they all end up cuddling on the couch. It’s the most Jim and Bones have touched since the previous day.

“So, do you wanna talk about it kid?” Bones asks when they’re halfway through their third holovid.

“No.” he answers and pushes his face against Bones’ chest.

“Jim, what did you mean that you’d already had a rape kit done?” Gaila asks and Jim goes ridged against her and Bones.

He pushes his face even harder into Bones’ chest.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” his voice is small again.

It’s at that moment the doorbell rings. Jim flinches at the sound and Bones haul himself up to answer.

Nyota is on the doorstep with Spock at her side and she’s fuming. She swops into the room. 

“Leonard, you owe me-” she starts before Bones cuts her off.

“Nyota, Nyota- please,” he holds his hands up.

She notices Gaila and Jim on the couch, still wrapped up in each other and makes a disgusted noise.

“You too?” she asks Gaila incredulously.

Spock has yet to speak a word. They stand in the open doorway, somehow not looking awkward at all.

“Nyota,” Jim cuts in.

She pauses at the sound of his voice. He’s still sitting on the couch but he’s using his command voice.

“I know you’re angry right now, but please, I’ve spent my morning getting a rape kit done. Can we please save the yelling for later?” Jim says. His voice is quiet but steady. Nyota sways back at the words, loosing some composure. Bones’ face crumples, Gaila grabs at Jim, and Spock finally steps from the open doorway into the apartment. 

“I- uh, Jim?” Nyota’s voice is high.

Bones walks over to her, hands still out. 

“Nyota, this isn’t a great time.” He says in a mild tone he rarely uses.

She ignores him. 

“Jim, I’m so sorry,” she says. 

Jim’s eyes are watering and he doesn’t look at her when he nods, swallowing audibly.

“Nyota,” Spock reaches out to touch her shoulder, “we should go.”

She shakes them off.

“Jim,” Nyota doesn’t say anything else.

Gaila swings to her feet and grabs Nyota’s arm. 

“Come on, Nyota, let’s give him some space.” She says quietly.

Nyota stays stiff, staring at Jim for a moment longer. 

“Come on,” Gaila whispers and Nyota starts to move. Spock follows.

“Spock,” Jim calls quietly.

They turn, one brow raised. 

“Can you stay?”

Spock shares a look with Nyota. 

“Of course, Jim,” they answer, tone mild as ever.

Nyota lingers in the living room, holding Spock’s hand.

Then she and Gaila leave together. 

Jim curls down on himself on the couch., in a protective shell, in Gaila’s absence. Bones and Spock stand in the middle of the room sharing a look until Jim begins to make a high whining noise in the back of his throat. Bones rushes over but doesn’t touch Jim, just kneels beside him. Spock on the other hand sits on the couch beside Jim and rests a hand on his back. Jim unfolds himself into Spock’s lap. Curling with his face in Spock’s stomach. Spock takes a moment to let Jim settle before they begin to rub a hand up and down Jim’s side.

Bones is still kneeling on the floor, Looking at the back of Jim’s head. Eventually, he meets Spock’s gaze. Spock isn’t sure how to read his gaze but Bones stands after a moment and leaves the room. A door in the back of the apartment closes a little too forcefully and Spock can hear him begin to sob.

Jim, on the other hand, cries quietly into Spock’s shirt. At first, he’s calm and quiet but slowly he loses control. He sobs loudly. Spock just rubs Jim’s back, telling him to breathe occasionally. Jim slowly begins to calm. 

Bones comes back before Jim has completely stopped crying. He goes to the kitchen, grabs two cups of water, and kneels beside Jim. He rubs Jim’s back alongside Spock.

“Jim, sweetheart,” he whispers, “come on, sweetheart. Can you sit up for me and drink some water?”

Jim does slowly, pressing into Spock, he takes the offered water and drinks.

He hands the glass back to Bones to put on the table then grabs his hands and tugs.

“Honey,” he says and Jim wordlessly tugs harder, “hon, we’re not all going to fit.”

Jim just curls tighter on himself. 

“Shall I move us to the bedroom?” Spock asks gently.

Jim doesn’t answer immediately, so Bones prompts him again.

“Want to go to the bedroom so we’ll have enough room to cuddle?”

Jim nods vigorously and Spock speaks: “Would you like me to carry you?”

Jim nods again and Spock scoops him up. Jim clings to them. In the bedroom he doesn’t want to let go. Spock stands for a moment waiting for Jim to slip down. He just doesn’t. Spock stands there, Jim’s face pressed into his neck. 

“Jim, you must let go.” Spock’s tone is almost teasing. Jim has done this before, stubbornly refused to let go of Spock to the point of absurdity.

Eventually, Jim loosens his grip and Spock sets him down. 

Jim moves to get changed into sleep clothes, Spock moves towards the bathroom, Bones kisses Jim on the cheek and leaves the room to get some more food. It’s almost normal.

Except where its not. Bones calls into Star Fleet Medical to tell them he can’t come in, no he won’t be on call.

Spock doesn’t have their own clothes but rather has to barrow Kirk’s.

Jim still wants to stop existing. At least until this feeling goes away. The heavy familiar dirty feeling. Like grime on his skin he can’t clean off. His jaw begins to clench and he feels rooted to the spot.

Bones sees something wrong as soon as he enters.

“Jim,” he rushes over, “Jim, are you ok?” 

Jim’s head aches and he can’t open his mouth. He tries but his jaw clicks shut again and he makes a noise he doesn’t recognize.

He doubles over, jaw still clenched, still whining. Bones rubs his back.

“Ok, ok.” Bones murmurs into his hair.

Spock walks back into the room, changed into Jim’s clothes.

“Can you grab that blanket in the closet Spock?” Bones asks from the floor.

Spock brings the heavy blanket over and Bones settles it over Jim’s back. Spock sits beside him, not touching, and Bones just rubs his back. They sit there until Jim falls asleep, jaw finally unclenching.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, the talk between Nyota and Jim. Also a talk between Jim and Bones.
> 
> Check the end notes for a more detailed warning.

The next morning, as Jim is clearing the table after breakfast, he announces “It was after Tarsus.”

“Hmm?” Bone’s answers. He’s reading something on his PADD. 

Spock sits silently at the table, watching Jim carefully.

“That was the last time I had to have a rape kit.” He says. He’s not looking at them.

Bones inhales sharply and Spock sits back in his chair. 

“Jim,” Bones sounds ragged.

“They wanted as much evidence as possible. It didn’t fucking matter. Everyone was dead anyway. No point in gathering evidence on a dead person.” He says bitterly.

“Jim,” it’s Spock this time.

Jim stops and takes a deep breath.

“Sorry.” He says, tone still bitter.

“No, need to apologize,” Bones tells him, reaching over to take his hand. 

Jim doubts that but he squeezes Bones’ hand hard.

Jim breaks away after a moment to clean the dishes. Bones gripes that they have a dishwasher and there’s no reason for him to wash dishes. Jim gripes back. It’s an argument worn comfortable with repetition. Bones knows Jim finds the domestic act soothing. That Jim relishes being able to do it however he wants, without worrying about being criticized for taking too long or risk having a confrontation over how loud he is. He savors the calm he can create in his home. 

Bones had learned this after they had a loud and genuinely angry fight about just this. Jim had told him through tears that he needed the control and calm. Bones, because he knows he’s an asshole, still teases Jim about it. But every time he does Jim grins at him like he just won an arcade game. Bones trusts Jim enough to shout him down if he needs to stop.

Bones gets a tired grin at the banter from Jim. It’s a gift. When, Jim is done Bones kisses his cheek. He pulls back to see Jim’s eyes shining. He gathers Jim up against his chest. 

Over Jim’s shoulder Bones makes eye contact with Spock who watches the two of them seemingly impassive. Bones doesn’t try to decode the look. 

When they break apart, it is Spock who speaks up.

“Jim, what would you like to do?” they ask.

Jim stares at into the distance for a long moment, seriously considering. 

“Can we watch a holovid? A cartoon? Something animated.” He finally answers.

Spock nods.

“Would you like to choose, or shall I?” Spock asks.

“Surprise me.” Jim says as he wanders out of the room, “Bones, do we have anything for headaches that I’m not allergic to?”

~~~~~~

They end up watching a kid’s holovid with stunning animation that Bones has already seen with Joanna at least twice and once more with Jim. 

Two thirds of the way through there’s a knock at the door. Bones answers it to find Nyota and Gaila standing there. 

“I’m afraid you’ve already missed most of Ponyo,” he tells them.

“Oh! I love Ponyo!” Gaila tells him delighted and rushes into the living room. Nyota pulls Bones aside.

“If you and Spock want a break Gaila is here to drag you away for a bit.” She tells him.

“Nyota,” He tries to make it clear how unimpressed he is right now, “you need to talk to him.”

“I was just getting there. That’s the other reason I’m here.” She tells him.

“Just wait until after the film is over. Let’s decide what to do then.”

~~~~~~

The rest of the film is awkward. Spock, Bones, and Jim are all packed onto the same couch. Gaila is on the floor with her head on Bones’ knee. Nyota is the odd one out, sitting on the only armchair in the room. 

When the film is over, Gaila takes the lead. 

“Well, I am here to give anyone a break who needs a break but still wants some company.” She tells them all. 

“I want to stay,” Jim says immediately and by the way he’s squinting his headache is probably too bad to let him go out anyway. 

“I will stay.” Spock says.

“I could go for a coffee and a walk.” Bones admits, “Jim?”

Jim gives him a small smile. 

“I’ll call you if I need you.” He says and Bones feels a stab of guilt at that. He suddenly feels unsure. Should he be going out? Jim needs him and he’s already failed to support him once recently. 

“Ok, lets go-” Gaila heaves herself up from the floor.

“Jim?” Bones asks, not sure how to ask Jim if this is what he really needs.

Jim hops up off the couch and pulls Bones to the door away from everyone else in the apartment. 

“I’ll be fine,” he says firmly.

Bones feels so useless. Why is he the one who needs reassurance? He should be taking care of Jim. Bones can take care of himself.

“I just feel like I should be here,” Bones whispers. 

Jim’s face crumples a bit at that and Bones feels his stomach drop with guilt. Its going to take them a long time to be ok after this he thinks.

“You don’t have to stay here all the time. You should go if you want space. I know how much you love being about to out and take a walk. If I need you, I promise I’ll call. Or Spock will.” Jim tells him.

Bones doesn’t feel comforted but he kisses Jim’s forehead and calls out to Gaila anyway.

~~~~~~

Jim walks back into the living room slowly, dreading his impending talk with Nyota. 

When he gets there, Spock and Nyota have their heads together. Nyota immediately stops speaking when he enters before standing.

“Jim,” she starts and then falls silent, clearly at a loss for words.

Jim gives her time.

“Jim, I’m so sorry,” she starts.

He nods, has to force himself to look her in eye.

“I didn’t know what had happened. I was clearly working off of a false assumption. I really regret that my first reaction was to lash out.” 

He nods and sits down. He can’t think of anything to say. Nyota sits too and Spock stands.

“I am going to get some tea. Would either of you like a beverage?” they ask.

Jim grins a little at Spock’s stilted language. 

“No, I’m ok Spock.” Jim answers.

“I’ll take tea too,” Nyota tells them and they nod before exiting the room silently.

“I’m sorry, Jim-”

“You thought I was cheating again. Bones wouldn’t even let me finish speaking, he just walked out. You were only listening to what he told you,” Jim can’t look at her as he says it.

“Jim,” she sounds stricken. 

“It’s just good to know you all trust me so much.” Jim bites out.

Nyota sighs and looks away.

“Awesome,” he bites out, lurching up and out of the room. He passes Spock in the hall way. They are wearing a grave expression.

He goes back into the bedroom, trying to get space and calm down but standing alone in front of the bed he feels his skin crawling. Arms around his shoulder, breath on his neck, hands on his hips, his ass. He shakes, a full body motion to throw off the sensations. They persist and he feels himself there again, under a body, struggling and then freezing. 

Someone touches his shoulder. He twists, grabs the hand then the arm, forces the person to the person down flat. He’s still got the person in an armbar when he realizes it’s Nyota and that Spock is standing in the doorway. The full force of his panic attack hits him and he stumbles away from her falling ungracefully onto the floor.

Nyota gets up, tries to walk towards Jim. He scrambles back. Spock ushers her out of the room somehow its worse with both of them gone. 

Spock returns and simply sits on the floor, not too close to Jim and not blocking the doorway. They sit like that for a long time. 

After the panic finally passes Jim crawls up into the bed. Spock brings him water and a granola bar. Jim does not sleep, nor does he touch the water or food. Rather he just lays under the blanket and listens to the sounds of Nyota and Spock moving around the apartment. It’s twenty minutes before he can drag himself up again.

He pulls himself out into the living room. There he apologizes to Nyota which she waves away immediately.

“Jim, I do trust you, you know. You’re my captain. You wouldn’t be my captain if I did not have the upmost trust and confidence in you.” She assures him.

“You just don’t trust me to be faithful.” Jim parries, but there’s no real heat behind it. 

He walks over to her and motions her up from where she’s sitting on the couch.

“Hug?” he asks.

She smiles and her expression crumples a bit. She moves in to hug him. He breathes deeply against her and she rubs a hand on his back. He breaks away from her more quickly than he would like, afraid that the sensation of hands on him will come back.

“You know this doesn’t make everything perfect.” He tells her firmly.

“I know. I’m prepared to work ton this.” She tells him with the utmost seriousness. 

~~~~~~

It’s not until the next day that Jim has the heart to sit down with Bones and really talk to him.

“You know we’re not ok right now?” he tells Bones.

Bones’ mouth twists. 

“Yeah, I know Jim.” Bones answers.

“I love you. I want to stay with you.” 

Bones looks stricken, like he hadn’t even considered Jim might want to leave him. He reaches over to take Jim’s hand. Jim lets him.

“But, Bones-” Jim is shaking his head, not looking at Bones.

“Yeah, I know. That was bad,”

“I thought we had finally gotten past you doubting me all the time.” Jim’s voice cracks at the end.

“I’m so sorry, Jim.” Bones tells him again, voice hoarse.

“We need to do something. I can’t – Bones you were the first person I ever really trusted. I’ve never trusted someone like this before but I can’t.” Jim’s not even sure what he’s trying to say.

“Ok, ok, let’s go to therapy.” Jim scoffs, “No hold on, hear me out. You’ve got mandatory therapy after what happened to you. Starfleet won’t let you stay in a command position without it and after everything that’s happened I should probably be in therapy anyway. We should go together. You want us to do better, want me to be better, let’s do therapy.”

“They already made me do therapy.” Jim admits.

“After Tarsus?” Bones asks.

“And after the reactor core too.” 

Bones nods. “A little more won’t hurt,” he says trying for levity. 

He wants to remind Jim how much he loves him. Bones moved heaven and earth for Jim, broke his oath for Jim, raised the dead for Jim. He can’t find the words. Instead he edges closer to Jim at the table and kisses his temple. Jim turns to face him.

“Kiss me, please,” Jim tells him. 

Bones sighs but smiles at Jim, holds the side of his face gently and gives him a chaste kiss. Then another. Then Jim makes the kiss a little less chaste. Bones presses in closer but when Jim makes a noise, Bones pulls away. 

“No, no, no, get back here. I’m fine,” Jim whines and pulls Bones in to kiss him again. The angle is terrible. Bones has to crane his neck in a uncomfortable way but Bones is so glad to be kissing him again. He suddenly feels desperately that he need to be closer to Jim, show him how much Bones loves him. Jim must understand some of it because he drags Bones up and to the couch. They don’t continue kissing. Instead, Jim curls up with him and just breathes against him. Bones holds him close, appreciating how solid and alive Jim is in this moment. He sweeps his hand along Jim’s back, fits a palm against his waist, breathes in the scent of his hair. 

“Sorry,” Jim whispers after a moment.

“What for?” Bones asks quietly. 

“I’m not sure when I’ll be ready to do anything more than kissing.” Jim says into his chest.

“That’s fine.” 

Jim makes a noise of protest.

“No, seriously, I’m not with you for the sex, Jim. You’re more important to me than all that.” Bones tells him. 

Jim sits up and that and kisses him again. He pushes Bones back to lay down and rests on top of him. He gives Bones a cheeky grin and Bones feels a little breathless, like he’s getting laid for the first time again. 

“This might just be a huge tease for us both,” Jim tells him with barely restrained glee. 

“That’s fine, Jim. It’s more than fine,” Bones tells him and he means more than sex.

“It better be,” Jim says with a grin and kisses him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has some hints of codependency in it and a scene containing a flashback to a rape.
> 
> As always comments and kudos give me life!
> 
> [Come say hi to me on tumblr!](http://sometimesihavequestions.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> No rape actually happens in this story. But it does deal with the direct aftermath of rape. Please tread lightly.
> 
> Comments give me life!


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